Lets talk about our miscarriage

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich.-- It's a hard thing to talk about for many women; miscarriages, and they happen everyday. To get real, 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage.  I have gotten an outpouring of messages from women, and men who like me, prepared for a baby that never would come.

Granted it's a little different for me.  I am not able to feel the life inside me and grow that immediate attachment.  What I did do was name my little baby, put together a crib for her to sleep in, bought her clothes I imagined her wearing, and dreamed about what she would do with her life.

Having my sister as a gestational carrier is the best way for me to have a baby and has been an amazing experience and while I am typically very happy, excited, and positive about what we are doing I have found myself in a slump ever since we learned one of our twins didn't make it.

I tell myself the baby I named, and grew to love hadn't developed yet, and didn't even have a gender assigned to it.  A series of minor mistakes led me to believe there was something there that wasn't... But she's still a little girl named Gracelynn in my mind.  I can't stop thinking about her and my normal positive attitude has shifted.

Why did this happen?  We spent so much money, we were (are) so happy to be parents, Jim even bought me two books on parenting twins for Christmas this year as well as himself a book for dads on twins.  I don't understand why God would let this happen to me.

Then my logical side kicks in and reminds me that God didn't up and kill my baby, these things happen and Greenleigh is still thriving and will be here in June.  That logical side is what makes me feel better, and reminds me that Jim and I get to still be a mom and dad to a beautiful baby girl.

What has been hard is practicing what I preach.  People tell me how brave I am for being so public about my syndrome (CAIS) and for talking so candidly about losing our twin, but I don't feel brave at all I feel sad and I find myself having anxiety attacks more and more often.

The positive outlook I held before is still there but it's dimmer.  What people don't hear and don't see are the times I snap at my mom on the phone and talk like the world is ending.  Or the times I take a nap and decide to just lay there all day until Jim gets home and I end up snapping at him too.

I am writing these emotions down for a few reasons;

1. 1 in 5 pregnancy's end in miscarriage and if one person reads this who secretly has been sad about a miscarriage maybe they won't feel as alone.

2. No one is perfect and I am no exception. I am not always positive and I am not always happy.

3. Many people ask me about our lost twin and I wanted to let them know honestly how I am feeling.

A friend of mine who experienced a few heart breaking miscarriages had some wonderful things to say to remind me that even if "she" was actually going to be a "he".  They were still a life that was there at one point and now their essence, or spirit has moved on. 

My sister in my opinion is the bravest one, she has stayed so strong for me and Jimmy through all this she hasn't shed a tear in front of me or ever had a negative attitude she is happy that her niece is on the way and will be loved.  That makes me feel very happy inside that Greenleigh has so many people rooting for her and loving her before she is even here!

Jimmy and I are ready to move on from what has happened, but we will never forget.  2016 will be a great year and we are excited to be parents!

Greenleigh Jo Blankenship at 18 weeks AKA First family photo!



12 comments

  1. Very sorry for your loss, but excited for your baby that is on the way. My sister had 2 miscarriages and she lost another baby due to a severe heart defect. But, she has 2 beautiful teenage girls that she adopted many years ago.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for sharing that Corey, The amount of people I have met who have experienced similar situations is staggering. Thank you for your kind words.

      Delete
  2. I too have lost a twin, and I now have a bouncing baby boy, he's 37 now and you're right you'll never forget, its a good memory if you look at it right.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Sheree thank you for sharing. Knowing you are not alone can do wonders!

      Delete
  3. Thank you for sharing your journey! In so many ways it helps to hear your story!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It can be very therapeutic to share I feel like and I also like people who have similar stories to hear they aren't alone =) Thank you for your comment!!! =)

      Delete
  4. Jackie and Jimmy, I was moved to read your story and I feel a lot of kinship with you. I too have miscarried, at about 10 weeks. I have also been a surrogate twice, here in GR. In fact, Dodds and Young were our doctors. When my so was three my husband and I were thrilled to find out we were pregnant again, and then miscarried at 10 weeks. We were luck to become pregnant again three months later and have a healthy daughter. We dealt with a horrible insensitive doctor in the process and the most amazing ultrasound technician who was a gift from God. About a year later I started on the journey to help a family I knew with their desire to have another baby (the mom had lost her uterus in the delivery of their son.) They had a healthy baby girl. About a year later I was told of a family that needed a help and knew I could. So I did. They were the best things I have ever done with my life (aside from having my own children. :) I love the girls, I fell in love with the moms. They have become two of my dearest friends. I know that surrogacy isn't very well known here in Michigan, weird laws and all. If you ever need an ear, please don't hesitate to email. Blessings to you and your husband. Mazel Tov!
    Jillian at jberger @fhps.net

    ReplyDelete
  5. I heard about your story while watching the news a couple months ago and have been trying to follow along every since. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I haven't experienced a miscarriage, but I know so many who have, and it breaks my heart. I am however a patient at The Fertility Center! We have been struggling with infertility for a couple years now, and had our first IVF in November. Unfortunately, it failed. We retrieved 28 eggs, but only 2 made it and they didn't take, none to freeze. We're giving it one more go in March...and I'm so scared, but reading your past posts and story today helped. I have a blog too and I think it helps to share, so thank you! Congrats on your babies -- and I say babies, because although the other little one has passed, you are still its mom. :) You're going to be a wonderful mom to this little girl!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I was absolutely devastated with the news and I arranged an IVF for November 2014 and it failed also, given that I had nothing to lose, I contacted Dr.Agbazara i meet online and he send me his herbal product,. Believe it or not... I am already pregnant within few after his help. contact him today with any kind of problem and be happy like me on ( agbazara@gmail.com )

    ReplyDelete
  7. Indeed Dr. Osose is really the best love spell caster on Earth after proving him to me by helping me to bring back my ex lover back to me with his powerful love spell. i so much believe that Dr. Osose is a genuies when it comes to relationship issues he can solve any relationship maters in just 48hours. i will advice anyone out there having a broken relationship or facing any problem in your relationship to contact Dr. Osose via Ososelovespell@gmail.com or call him at +2348133194891 to help you out because he has all it takes to make you happy.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I was not happy until i met Dr.Agbazara through these details +2348104102662 or agbazara@gmail.com because my husband has left me and never had the intention of coming back home. But just within 48 hours that i contacted Dr. Agbazara my marriage changed to the positive side, At first my husband came back home and since then my marriage has been more peaceful and romantic than ever before

    ReplyDelete
  9. Miscarriage is the most common type of pregnancy loss and studies show that 10 – 25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Even healthy women have a 15 – 20% chance of having a miscarriage.
    IVF treatment can offer a solution for fertility problems experienced by both men and women.

    ReplyDelete

Follow @ Instagram