Thoughts & fears I have when I look at my daughter

Like anyone woman raising a little girl, you can't help but look at them and see a little bit of yourself.  I used to be little, and I while I can't remember that time I have seen plenty of baby photos to know I was once a little girl who longed for my mommy and thought hanging out with her and dad was the best thing in the world.

Parts I do remember though are angry teen years, tears, screaming and yelling and overall ridiculous teen things.  That said I have a lot of thoughts go through my head when Greenleigh is laying in my arms looking so sweet and peaceful

Look at that smile, It's hard to believe that little girl could grow into what I turned into, a fucking MONSTER!

Now please understand I was by no means a "bad kid" I was actually super good around adults, and friends parents etc.  It was just to my mom and dad that I had a tendency to cock a tude... an attitude that could not be rivaled.

Last night while I layed in bed with Jimmy I told him, "sometimes I really worry about baby Greenleigh." He asked what I worry about and I told him, "what if someday she doesn't like me, or worse doesn't even love me!"

Jim laughed at me and said, get ready because she probably wont always like you... your her mom but she will always love you.

That was one thought.... I have so many here are more things that cross my mind.

  1. When she's old enough for me to do her hair, will she flip the F out when there's a "bump" in her ponytail?- My mom did my hair growing up a LOT and I can not count how many times world war three broke up because there was a "bump in my ponytail!!!!!!!" 
  2. Will she hate everything I cook?- I specifically remember a conversation that went like this... "MOM I hate chicken I am NOT eating this!" (Who hates chicken? WTF)
  3. Will I go from someone cool to someone super stupid? - The worst thing as a teen was that everyone told me how fun my parents were... NO THEY ARENT! hahaha, looking back, they were.  I hope Greenleigh doesn't think I am lame even though she probably will.
  4. How old will she be when I can't dress her in what I think is cute anymore?-  I went a real long time and let my mom  help me dress but she also got me cool clothes so I didn't mind wearing them... I hope Greenleigh still lets me help her for a long time!  
  5. When am I considered old?  Am I considered old now?!- She is so little I feel like this cool hip mommy, but she's growing so fast, I worry all the time that I will blink and be old and she wont want me around anymore.
Those are just a few things that cross my mind.  I know I can't prevent her from growing up and I know she is only 4 months old (not even!) but I sometimes wish she could stay little forever.  I love when I wake up and go in her room and she is laying in her crib with this HUGE smile on her face because she is so excited to see me.  I don't want her to stop being excited to see me.

I think this will be an especially funny post to read in 10-11 years when she yells at me about her damn ponytail.

1 comment

  1. There will be joy and struggles (challenges). I have 4 grown children. 3 daughters and a son whom I adore. My daughters have children of their own now. I've been through similar things that you've described. The truth is you'll go from that "cool Mom" to the "not cool Mom" to the "Wow Mom was right". If there is one thing I could go back and tell my younger self it would be to calm my heart and enjoy them more. There will be conflict it's true. But there will be love as well. Going through that conflict, holding to what's right even if it means they will be angry and not like you in that moment is in the long run what will prove to them how strong your love is for them. Hang Tuff, Stay strong, Trust yourself and your Hubby, and enjoy the ride. It's worth every moment!!!!

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