Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Lets talk about our miscarriage

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich.-- It's a hard thing to talk about for many women; miscarriages, and they happen everyday. To get real, 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage.  I have gotten an outpouring of messages from women, and men who like me, prepared for a baby that never would come.

Granted it's a little different for me.  I am not able to feel the life inside me and grow that immediate attachment.  What I did do was name my little baby, put together a crib for her to sleep in, bought her clothes I imagined her wearing, and dreamed about what she would do with her life.

Having my sister as a gestational carrier is the best way for me to have a baby and has been an amazing experience and while I am typically very happy, excited, and positive about what we are doing I have found myself in a slump ever since we learned one of our twins didn't make it.

I tell myself the baby I named, and grew to love hadn't developed yet, and didn't even have a gender assigned to it.  A series of minor mistakes led me to believe there was something there that wasn't... But she's still a little girl named Gracelynn in my mind.  I can't stop thinking about her and my normal positive attitude has shifted.

Why did this happen?  We spent so much money, we were (are) so happy to be parents, Jim even bought me two books on parenting twins for Christmas this year as well as himself a book for dads on twins.  I don't understand why God would let this happen to me.

Then my logical side kicks in and reminds me that God didn't up and kill my baby, these things happen and Greenleigh is still thriving and will be here in June.  That logical side is what makes me feel better, and reminds me that Jim and I get to still be a mom and dad to a beautiful baby girl.

What has been hard is practicing what I preach.  People tell me how brave I am for being so public about my syndrome (CAIS) and for talking so candidly about losing our twin, but I don't feel brave at all I feel sad and I find myself having anxiety attacks more and more often.

The positive outlook I held before is still there but it's dimmer.  What people don't hear and don't see are the times I snap at my mom on the phone and talk like the world is ending.  Or the times I take a nap and decide to just lay there all day until Jim gets home and I end up snapping at him too.

I am writing these emotions down for a few reasons;

1. 1 in 5 pregnancy's end in miscarriage and if one person reads this who secretly has been sad about a miscarriage maybe they won't feel as alone.

2. No one is perfect and I am no exception. I am not always positive and I am not always happy.

3. Many people ask me about our lost twin and I wanted to let them know honestly how I am feeling.

A friend of mine who experienced a few heart breaking miscarriages had some wonderful things to say to remind me that even if "she" was actually going to be a "he".  They were still a life that was there at one point and now their essence, or spirit has moved on. 

My sister in my opinion is the bravest one, she has stayed so strong for me and Jimmy through all this she hasn't shed a tear in front of me or ever had a negative attitude she is happy that her niece is on the way and will be loved.  That makes me feel very happy inside that Greenleigh has so many people rooting for her and loving her before she is even here!

Jimmy and I are ready to move on from what has happened, but we will never forget.  2016 will be a great year and we are excited to be parents!

Greenleigh Jo Blankenship at 18 weeks AKA First family photo!